To choose your own blogventure, click on your choice at the end of each section. If all has been linked correctly, you should be taken to the right place. If this doesn’t work, you may have to do a good old command/control F and type in the number you pick.
Good luck!
#1: The cafe
You sit at a table inside Six Ounces Cafe. Across from you sit your writing friends. Well, they’re your friend friends, but today – Wednesday – they are your writing friends. Each week, you join each other in pursuit of a spark. You’re lucky to have your workdays line up like this; it’s a special time.
The barista brings you your vanilla chai latte, and you scoop a little bit of fluff into your mouth. I suppose it is time to get to work. Kidding! You should catch up with your friends. Although they seem to be locked in already, maybe you should read some Peanuts?
To talk with your friends, go to #12.
#2: Enter Door
You decide to follow the voice. They may know what happened to your friends. You walk back inside, and the warm cafe is gone. You stand in a cold black void. In front of you stands Alex the Lion.
“Take a seat,” he motions to a grey cube. “Cigarette?” He hands you a vanilla wafer. You gladly accept. “You’re probably wondering why I’ve brought you here today.”
“No, I understand.” You say. You know why you’re here. It all makes sense now.
“You’ll be needing this.” He hands you a huge sword. “Good luck, and may God be on your side.”
“Hey! What are you doing?” A voice behind you says. You turn, battle-ready. It is Noo-Noo from the Teletubbies, that damn scary vacuum cleaner. “I thought we were going to hang out today?
“I know, I know,” you say with guilt. “I completely forgot I had to do this thing with Alex from Madagascar.”
“We’ve been planning this for months! Blade Runner 2049 movie night! Ryan Gosling is here, he spent so much money on snacks.”
You look down at your sword and tighten your grip. If you don’t do what needs to be done, you won’t make the football team. But you have been planning this movie night with Noo-Noo for a long time. You can’t betray your friend!
To watch the movie with Noo-Noo, go to #28.
To continue your mission, go to #33.
#3: Open notes
You open Google Keep. It holds a ridiculous number of notes: random ideas, rambling sentences, late-night musings. It’s mostly garbage. You open the pinned note titled “Topics for writing next year.”
There is plenty to choose from – two in particular draw you in today. You could continue to work on your piece about Los Angeles. You started this piece two years ago, and it is still nowhere near complete. You could also write about finding a niche, something you have been pondering this past week. Of course, you recently wrote about writing, so it wouldn’t be your most original piece, whatever it ends up being. There’s so much you could do, it is a little overwhelming.
To work on the LA piece, go to #16.
To write about finding a niche, go to #13.
To continue pondering originality, go to #11.
To sit and feel overwhelmed, go to #9.
#4: Read Peanuts
You decide to read some Peanuts. Snoopy and the gang have been a big part of your year. Each day you have read a few months’ worth of strips in your pursuit to read all 17,897 by October. Of course, you read them for pleasure. But, you also plan on writing an essay on Peanuts which is always in the back of your mind. Remember to enjoy reading them! You should do something because you enjoy it, not because you can turn it into content. You haven’t lost sight of that, right?
It’s a nice way to warm up your brain. The strip has stood the test of time for a reason, it is consistent comedy gold. Snoopy is so silly and funny.
You enjoy your time reading, but time is moving on. You should pick some music and start writing… unless… you just read one or two more?
To read more Peanuts, go to #7.
To pick music and start writing, go to #6.
#5: Lock in
You decide to jump straight into writing and open your laptop with excitement. An empty Google Doc lights your face. You stare at it for five minutes.
Twenty minutes pass. Boy, that is one empty doc. It’s hard to lock in. The sounds of the cafe feel louder than usual. People are really yapping! You can hear every individual word. It is quite soothing in a way, like you are a child lying in bed while your parents have visitors. Their voices were comforting, and you’d try everything in your power to stay awake. Time would pass, the voices would become distant, and you’d sleep.
But today isn’t for sleeping! Today is for writing! You realise why you can’t focus, you haven’t put on your headphones. You should do that! Or maybe you should rest your eyes for a bit?
#6: Pick music
Picking the right music is essential to the lock in process, perhaps the most important part! The wrong choice could ruin your whole day. Or worse… you could die!
You are a fan of music. Wow, so cool and unique. There is plenty to listen to, 2025 has been a great year for music. You can’t wait to write about it. But what to listen to now? It is late morning, and you are in a cafe – so, perhaps something chill? The new Men I Trust album would be perfect. How about something to get your brain going? A groovy album would do the trick, like Animaru by Mei Semones. Or maybe you need something loud to wake you up, maybe the new PUP album? So many options, you could sit here all day. Better pick.
To pick something chill, go to #10.
To pick something groovy, go to #22.
To pick something loud, go to #17.
#7: Read more Peanuts
You decide it won’t hurt to just read a couple more. Besides, this is research! You’re so excited to write the Peanuts piece, but you can’t write it if you haven’t finished reading.
In one strip, Linus stands by a tree. He watches as a leaf falls to the ground and asks “Well, did you have a nice summer?” You love Linus, he’s the best. In the next strip, he watches another leaf fall to the ground, he crouches and smiles at it. Above, another leaf falls. Linus looks down to the first leaf and exclaims “Here comes your buddy!” It is so cute, so simple, and so full of pure love for the world.
You know your friends would like this strip. Should you distract them? They’ve been locked in for half an hour now, time flies when you’re reading Peanuts. May as well just read a couple more.
To continue reading Peanuts, go to #37.
To show your friends Linus and the leaf, go to #15.
#8: Lock in
Finally, it’s time to lock in. No mucking around. Open your notes app and have a look through the ideas. Something in there will inspire you. Lock in! Lock in. Or… you could not lock in…
To open planning notes, go to #3.
To not lock in, go to #30 (don’t do it).
#9: Sit and feel overwhelmed
You find yourself paralyzed. This is all too much. Writing is hard. People usually enjoy their hobbies. You say writing is what you love most. When you write something you think is good, it fulfils you in a way nothing else can. But the process of getting there? Absolute hell. The only thing worse than doing it, is not doing it. You plagiarized that line.
It makes sense that people are into “creating” AI “art.” It is an instant product and “you” made it! No pain involved, no agonising over small decisions, just the result. Of course, the result is nothing short of rat vomit, and for anyone to actually take pride in their AI “art” would be an insult to their intelligence and self-worth. But you see the appeal of the absence of pain.
Can you really call it art if you didn’t bang your head against a wall in the process?
You’re getting quite flustered, the self-imposed pressure to create is too intense. You’re sweating. Gross! Unsure what to do next, you continue with nothing.
To continue doing nothing, go to #25.
To worry about sweat, go to #32.
#10: Something chill
You pick the Men I Trust album: Equus Asinus. Never has a band reached such chill heights. The vibes are incredible. You feel at peace.
To make a generic generalisation, you think there are two kinds of artists, those who have found their sound, and those who change and evolve between projects. Men I Trust are a group who have certainly found their sound. Each album has its unique theme and vibe, but at the end of the day, you know what you are going to get. And you love that! Some of the best artists in the world are the best because of their consistency. Shout out The Beths.
You listen to Paul’s Theme – what a banger. You lose your mind over the little piano solo, it is one of the musical moments of the year. You’ve made a good choice, you are incredibly relaxed. So relaxed that you could have a sleep right here, right now.
#11: Think about originality
You decide to not write about finding your niche. Why would you write about writing again? It feels like that is all you do. What is it about the act of writing that compels you to write so often about the process? Is it because you like to write about who you are and your life experiences and your life recently has consisted of not a lot outside of writing? No adventures, no moral quandaries, no great original ideas. You write, it is all you know.
But then again, who cares? So what if you write about writing? Do you need to always be original? Of course not! Everyone has said everything that needs to be said. You simply feed off of what came before, producing new by drawing from the hive mind.
You may as well write about this line of thinking. You title a page “On originality.”
#12: Talk with friends
You haven’t seen your friends for a week, there is plenty to catch up on. You talk about your jobs, your weekends, your friends and family. It is the sort of shallow basic conversation that is unbearable when speaking with someone new. But, when it is with people you care about, it is the only conversation that matters. You DO care about their boring work. You DO care how they spent their Monday evening. You DO care about their thoughts on the weather. You’re thankful to have people in your life to care about life with.
You discuss your writing plans for the day. One friend is working on a young adult novel, the other a series of novellas. And you? You’re not sure, there are a few things you could work on. Now would be a good time to lock in. But, there was one last stupid story you had to tell. To lock in or to not lock in? That is the question. Or maybe you should pick some music to set the writing mood, music is important.
To tell the stupid story, go to #31.
#13: Write about finding a niche
You decide to write about finding a niche. You type:
I’ve been thinking a lot about who I am as a writer. What exactly is it that I am good at? What do I enjoy? What is my niche?
I would love to write poetry, but how do you even start a poem? I would love to write fiction, but I don’t have the worldbuilding dog in me. I would love to be a screenwriter, but I’m all out of ideas!
I’m comfortable in writing for this blog. It is fairly low stakes, a good opportunity to be silly. Very rarely do I attempt something with a little more of a punch. Of course I have ideas for pieces like that
Something else that I am attempting this year are the video adaptations of the blog. These are a lot of fun to make, and it is fun flexing that visual storytelling muscle. However these double the length of the creative process, and ultimately won’t be seen by many people. Do I write and make videos for them to be read and watched by lots of people? No, I can say no with earnesty. But at the same time, yes, yes I do. They can both be correct.
Of course for the videos to be successful, I would need to further hone in on my niche. No one would subscribe to a YouTube channel that in one video is reviewing music, and in the next telling the story of forgetting their phone password (long story, I’ll write it one day).
Conclusion about what I want to write
It is certainly a first draft – a bit rough, but a good outline for what could be a nice little piece. It’s time for your favourite activity, re-drafting. You suppose you could show this draft to your friends. After all, you’re all here to write together and support each other.
To write a second draft, go to #38.
To show this draft to your friends, go to #34.
#14: Run Away
You sprint with all you have. You move faster than you thought you could. In fact, you’re nearly flying. Each step becomes larger and larger – you’re moving six metres with each stride. The world around you morphs into a blur. You feel so free that you forget what you were running from.
You remember. Your friends. Where are your friends? Where is anyone? Now would be a good time to ask Google. Now would be an even better time to scream.
To ask Google where your friends are, go to #21.
#15: Distract friends with Peanuts
“Hey, look at this,” you nudge one friend and wave at the other. They look at your screen, panel one, panel two, panel three, and panel four with a smile.
“That’s so cute.”
“And then wait, look at this one.”
One, two, three, and four with a smirk. “He’s just a little guy!”
“Yeah, I love him,” you say. “Oh, I have to show you this one!”
“I’M ACTUALLY TRYING TO GET SOME WORK DONE HERE!” They scratch and snatch your laptop, throwing it across the room. “WHY I OUGHTA!”
You are pulled by the collar onto the street. One friend takes your arms, and the other takes your legs. They swing you back and forth, before heaving you onto the street. As you fly through the sky, you are reminded of Linus and the leaf – what peace, what beauty. These are your last thoughts, as a Fonterra truck speeds through traffic, not even letting you hit the ground before embracing you in a hug.
You wake in clouds, on your right is a large golden gate.
“Rise, my child,” a voice says.
You stand to face the voice. “Jesus?” you ask.
“Yup, waddup it’s me.”
“What am I doing here?”
“Well, it was your time! So like, you’re here now and I’m gonna let you in.”
That is quite a surprise, considering all of the awful things you’ve done. Should you ask him why you are allowed in? Or might that be too risky? Maybe you could show him some Peanuts?
To ask why you are in heaven, go to #35.
To show Jesus some Peanuts, go to #26.
#16: Work on LA piece
Ah, the Los Angeles piece. Two years ago you were fortunate to holiday with your family, on which you took notes each day with the intent of writing a piece of travel writing. You had an assignment at university, 2500 words of non-fiction writing, it would have been the perfect fit. You even wrote a sample for it that you brought into class, where you received positive feedback.
However, the piece blew past the word count, and quickly turned into your largest project to date. You put it on the shelf to focus on a smaller piece for the assignment, and there it sat for a further two years as you finished your Master’s. You really want to finish that piece, it could be something great! But do you have the ability? Can you go back to a piece that has been sidelined for so long? Of course you can! Right?
To try writing a paragraph, go to #19.
#17: Something loud
Loud music, your one true love. The energy of pop-punk can lift you in any moment. When you mention your love of pop-punk to people, you worry they might think of artists like Green Day, or Blink-182. The thing is, you think those artists sound kind of terrible. The punk spectrum is so broad, and the stereotypical sound of “punk” is a sound you’re not a huge fan of.
What you love is the passion. Artists who wholeheartedly believe in what they are saying. They might not always sound the best, or present themselves in an appealing mainstream way. But, what they do have is authenticity. Jeff Rosenstock and PUP are the best out there, you love them with all your heart. They both find a perfect balance of earnesty and self-depreciation. They’re silly, but their lyrics are powerful. They care about the world, they care about those in need, and they care about themselves and the people around them. And you know they care because they yell it. You don’t think anyone means what they sing more than they do. It’s not for everyone, but it is certainly for you.
PUP’s new album has a song featuring Jeff. You listen. It is loud, stupid, and full of energy – everything you need to lock in. It’s time to write.
#18: Top secret reflection
Oh! Hello! How’d you find me here? You must be cheating, this part isn’t connected to anything. Shame on you. Just kidding. Thanks for reading! This piece is over 7000 words, so it means a lot that you care enough to find this bit. This is James by the way.
How are you? I’m really tired. Recently I’ve had this ongoing feeling that there is reprieve ahead. That one day soon I’ll have time to do all of the things I want to do, read the books I want to read, watch the movies I want to watch, and write the stories I want to write. I’ve just gotta get through this busy period, then I’ll have time.
As I’ve moved further (but not that far) into adulthood, I come to know more each day that the period of reprieve will never come. There will always be work and laundry to do and dishes to clean and bills to pay. There will be downtime but there will never be the downtime that I need.
It isn’t all bad. What I do fill my days is often enjoyable. I have to go to the gym, but I do it with a friend and that is lovely. I have to do the dishes, but I do it listening to a podcast or an album. I have to go to work, but I find it fulfilling.
But is this life really what I want? Is it mine, or is it the one I’ve been handed? If I want to truly make it mine, do I need to lock in? How can I? If I do the basics I need to survive and spend the rest of my time trying to make it as a writer, will I be happy? Or will I be miserable because I’d have to cut out the things that keep me happy day to day? It’s an impossible problem, only one that stumbling across a million dollars would solve.
Anyway, I think about that a bit. Money, eh? Maybe one day soon I’ll have some real time off, some good time to myself. We can catch up then if you want, just yell out.
#19: Try writing a paragraph
You can do this, start from the beginning. You write:
“Your trip has been cancelled. Kind regards, Qantas.”
This is the text you receive moments before walking out the door. Although you booked months in advance, Qantas have exercised their right to treat you with the care they know best – little. You’re going to have to get on the same Christchurch to Brisbane to Los Angeles flight tomorrow. This means all of your day one planning, all of your activities, all of that money, it is gone.
Gone, if not for your father, who after some lengthy calls Qantas turns a “I’m sorry, there are no other flights” into a “oh you’re right, you can go on this flight instead.”
And you’re off.
You check your passport – still you. It’s a rush to Christchurch Airport, check-in, bag drop, and security all to come, you rehearse your interactions with the staff, “Should I take my shoes off?” In the car, you sit not so much in excitement, but in longing. Longing for LA? No – the stress of it all, it’s a lot of fuss for one trip. You’d rather spend your time on the couch, staring at a wall. No, you are so ungrateful. An incredible opportunity like this, and you’re complaining already? Grow up. You check your passport – still you.
You stop writing. Can you do this? Can you write this? There are a few thousand words of notes from your trip, but what do they mean? The scale of this project is so large, you can see how difficult it is going to be.
You doubt yourself, go to #29.
#20: Have sleep
You cross your arms and rest your head. You quickly fall asleep.
You wake to silence. Your friends have disappeared. The cafe is empty.
You twist to the counter. The espresso machine hums, splattering fresh coffee onto the counter. You knock your chair over as you rush for the door. The street is empty, bar one plastic bag flying sporadically in the wind.
“Going somewhere?” a voice from the shop says. “Come in, please, come back.”
There is a kindness to the voice, half of you that feels like you could trust them. The other half of you screams. You should run.
To follow the voice, go to #2.
#21: Ask Google
You Google “people disappeared christchurch 2025.”
The first result is a Google AI overview, that says:
“There are no recordings of people disappearing in Christchurch in 2025. You will be glad to know this AI overview search uses thirty times more energy than your regular Google search would use.”
You’re disgusted, and Google “how to turn off google ai overview.
The first result is a Google AI overview, that says:
“Unfortunately, you can’t completely turn off Google’s AI Overviews, as they are now a core feature of Google Search results.”
You wake with a jolt. Back in the Cafe.
“Are you okay?” asks your friend.
“Just had an awful nightmare about Google forcing an AI overview in each of its results, and it is destroying the planet and there is no way for us to opt-out.”
“What are you talking about? What is AI? You’re so silly, that brain of yours.”
“I know right, what does any of that mean? Why would we so willingly use our precious resources for something so stupid?”
You continue writing, happy to live in a world that knows right from wrong.
#22: Something groovy
You decide it’s time to groove.
You first listened to Animaru by Mei Semones because you loved the cover. A rat with wings and a colourful background, it is perfect. It only took one track for the album to cement itself as a favourite of the year. The musicianship is on another planet, each track makes you move in a new way, and each hook blows you away. The album captures your attention and refuses to let go.
You can’t help but move – it’s impossible to sit still. In fact, you’re so into it that you stand and dance. People around you look on, confused. Your friends tell you to sit, you’re embarrassing them. But you can’t hear them, you’ve gotten lost in the groove.
You dance until you drop dead.
The end.
#23: “On Originality”
Loud music, your one true love. The energy of pop-punk can lift you in any situation. When you mention your love of pop-punk to people, you worry they might think of artists like Green Day, or…
Wait a second. You’ve already done this! You must have taken a wrong turn, it happens to the best of us.
#24: Scream
You open your mouth to scream, but there is no noise. You scream and scream and scream with all your might. Not a peep.
Behind you, you feel a presence – a low menacing hum. You stop yourself from looking, whatever it is, it will scare you. You try to run again, but now instead of running so fast you fly, you move as if you are wading in water.
The hum grows louder. You desperately thrash through the air.
“Is anyone there?” You try to scream. All you manage is a whimper.
This is it, this is the end. You will never know what took your friends. You will never know what happened to everyone. You will die.
Wait a second. Wait, lol. You’re dreaming! That’s so silly. You thought this was all real, but actually, you’re just dreaming.
You wake up.
“God, our brains are stupid,” you say.
“Hmm?” your friends slip off their headphones.
“I just had such a dumb dream.”
“What happened?”
“Well, I…” you pause. “Dang, it’s gone, I have no idea.”
And so the bit at the end of this one is that it’s hard to remember what you dreamt of. This is one of the stronger endings.
#25: Sit there for ages and do nothing
You have never sat so still in your life. You’re like Dwayne the Rock Johnson if he lived up to his name. Hours pass, and you don’t move a micrometre. Eventually, your friends stand to leave, “are you coming?”
You remain for not just an hour or day. Nay, you remain indefinitely. An exhibition is prepared, exhibit: you – “The Unmoving Patron.” People fly in from around the globe to see you. They try everything they can to make you move, but you remain unphased. During the day, children climb and sneeze on you. Experts study you, each coming to their own wrong conclusion. In the evening, the cleaner confides in you, gently squeezing your hand in thanks.
One day an elderly woman enters with her granddaughter. “I was here when they first froze,” she says. “ I was just as big as you!” She boops her granddaughter on the nose.
“Why are they like that Grandma?”
“Well, it’s simple really,” she sighs. “They call it writer’s block.”
The end.
#26: Show Jesus Peanuts
“Hey, have you ever read Peanuts?” You ask Jesus.
“Of course! That’s like my favourite thing in heaven!”
You pull out your laptop. “See here with Linus and the leaf? It’s just so beautiful. And then in this second one?”
Jesus smiles and nods, but after a few more, his smile fades. “That’s very nice,” he says.
“And this one here! Oh wait, you have to read this one.”
“Actually! Why don’t we go over here?” He leads you to a door and hurries you in. It is an elevator with one button.
“Where does?”
“Doesn’t matter BYE!” He presses the button and runs away.
You descend. The room begins to heat up. The golden glow of heaven begins to shift to a fiery red. That’s what you get for distracting your friends. Let them cook! Enjoy hell.
#27: Think about originality, again.
Sorry. I’m lost. You were supposed to start writing about originality, but then I turned you the wrong way. Then when I got you to go back I got it wrong again. This is such a mess. Let’s have a look at the map.
Good lord okay. I can see how this happened. It’s all a bit. Really sorry for the inconvenience. Would you mind resetting?
#28: Watch movie
Of course! You have to watch the movie. How could you pass up an opportunity to spend time with your guy Ryan? You have so many questions to ask him, like ‘What is it like being in the movies?’ ‘Where do you get your ideas?’ and ‘Would you like to be my friend?’
You enter the room, but there is no Ryan. Instead, your friends and family sit in a circle.
“What? Where’s Ryan?”
“Take a seat,” says Noo-Noo. “This is an intervention. We need to talk with you about your heroin addiction.”
“That’s the silliest thing I’ve ever heard, Me? Heroin?”
“We don’t need to imagine it, we have the proof.” Your friend pulls out a series of images from your life. Most are recent, but in some, you’re as young as five. In all, you shoot heroin into your veins. “Sit down, we just want to talk this through.”
“I know that this is a dream,” you say. “And I know that this fake dream has been written by James for his blog okayjame.com. And I just want to say, this is stupid.”
What? You really think that?
“Yeah, what even is this? How did we end up here?”
Well I just, I don’t know, I thought it would be funny to have a dre-
“Well it’s not funny, James, heroin is a serious issue. Why would you joke about such a serious thing.”
I’m not. I’m not joking about that. I know that it is serious. But the idea of someone having a dream about that is funny to me.
“You know what I think? I think you’re stupid. How about that.”
Oh yeah? Well, how about this? How about I write you out right now? You’ll cease to exist. You’re just an idea in my head, I can end your story right here.
“NO NO NO. WAIT. Wait. Please don’t. I like it here.”
Nah sorry, I’m going to end it here because I’m bored of this whole dream bit and I’m hungry.
“PLEASE NO, I’LL DO ANYTHING I’LL BE GOOD I PROM-.”
#29: Doubt self
Writing is hard. You have wanted to write the LA piece for so long, but your vision for what it could be and your ability as a writer don’t match. You didn’t have the skill to fulfil it two years ago, what makes you good enough now?
It is a piece of travel writing. You’re supposed to write about the moment, the experience of being present in a new place. Now, all you have are notes and memories. If you write about the trip now, would it truly reflect your experience? Or would it just reflect the old notes and unreliable memories? Would you have enjoyed the trip more if you weren’t thinking about the way you can write about it? You will never know, and worse, you will never get to write about the authentic experience, because it is gone.
It’s also another piece written in second person. You love writing in second person, but you can only do so much of it before it becomes hack. This section is the last part of this current piece that I am writing, and I’m well sick of it. Sorry, “you” are sick of it.
Hold on a second. Where is all of this coming from? Why are you placing all of these expectations on yourself? You’re more than capable of writing this piece. When you took the sample to class, people loved it. Friends have asked in the years since when they’ll be able to read more. Don’t worry about making it perfect right now. Just give it a go. You can do it.
Try writing a paragraph, go to #19.
#30: Don’t lock in
This is the wrong choice. I am super disappointed in you. Go back. LOCK IN!
#31: Tell a stupid story
May as well tell that story before you forget! “One last thing,” you say.
Before you can begin, the front door is smashed down by a cop in a white uniform.
“You!” He runs towards you with a gun aimed at your head. “You have the right to remain silent. When given the choice to lock in, you decided not to. That is a crime. You’re under arrest.”
“What?” You exclaim. “It was just one story! I swear I was about to lock in.”
“I don’t know,” says one friend. “It’s always ‘just one story’ with you. You have to admit you’re not great at locking in.”
Your eyes fill with tears. This is your friend, you’ve been through so much together. Now they nark on you like it is nothing.
“I swear I’m a good person!” you plead your case. “I can lock in! I do it all the time.”
“Tell it to the judge,” the cop tightens handcuffs around your wrists.
You are sentenced to life in prison. Whoops. Should have locked in.
#32: Worry about sweat
You have started on new “lock in medication.” It’s incredible, you have been able to work full days in your office job for the first time. You might write about it one day, but then again, who wants to hear yet another story about the terrible ADHD diagnosis and medication process in New Zealand? (this sentence is freshly outdated, but who knows how bad the new system will be come February.)
The medication has a few side effects, appetite loss, an afternoon crash, and the most pressing right now: temperature control. You’re sweaty, it’s uncomfortable. You’re so sweaty a pool of water begins to form on the floor. One centimetre, then three more, and before you know it, you’re waist deep.
“Hi, sorry to bother you,” the cafe owner approaches you. “I’m okay with you being sweaty because that is normal, but I’m just a little concerned because my cafe is now full of water and I don’t have flood insurance.”
Oh God, they don’t have insurance. This is all your fault. You become more anxious, making you sweat more. Cafe patrons continue eating, drinking and chatting. Despite their determination to ignore your situation, they don’t seem all that comfortable. In fact, a couple in the corner just drowned. And then, um, everyone drowns. The end.
You regret writing this section because it is gross and weird. Sorry ‘bout that. Maybe you should delete it? This is the worst ending. They can’t all be good.
#33: Continue mission
“Sorry Noo-Noo, I’ve got important matters to address.”
“Curse you,” says Noo-Noo. You don’t blame him.
Alex opens a door, you walk through.
You’re dropped into your backyard. The grass reaches halfway up your shin. Time to mow the lawns.
You get to work, swiping back and forth with your huge sword. Each cut is clean and precise. You then shift to the garden, trimming the hedges and pulling out weeds. It looks pristine, you could do this for a living!
“Great work!” says Alex. “I’ve got just one more surprise for you.” He reaches to the back of his head and pulls off a mask, revealing the face of your landlord. “Thanks for doing my gardens, loser!”
You’re disgusted, all that work for something that isn’t yours. This isn’t you! This isn’t why you were placed on earth! You’re here to live! Not work in someone else’s garden for free!
“I think you’re mistaken,” you say with a chuckle. “I haven’t tidied your garden at all, this is just a dream.”
“Huh?”
You wake up. Phew. Later that day you return home to find long grass and an out-of-shape garden, the world is at peace.
#34: Show friends
“Hey, do you mind if you give this a read?” You bravely turn your laptop to face your friends.
You follow their eyes as they move left to right. One chuckles. “What part is that?” you ask.
“Oh nothing,” they respond.
Bad response, if it was something funny, they would have said. They don’t like it.
“I gotta be honest,” the other friend replies. “This is pretty bad. I mean, there’s no structure here, you are just blabbing. Plus, it’s got all of your quirks, and I don’t mean that in a good way.”
They’re right. It has all of your bad qualities. There are too many questions and too many sentences following the rule of three. We get it. And that third paragraph? You didn’t even finish the sentence. It randomly moves to some tangent about YouTube.
“I don’t know,” says the first friend. “Maybe writing just isn’t for you.”
It’s cruel, but it’s true. You are embarrassed for thinking you should show them your words. The embarrassment is so intense, you feel like you might explode.
And you do! You explode. It’s a shame really, you had a lot going for you.
“Another Masters of Writing student?” The cafe owner walks over with a bucket and mop.
“You guessed it, third one this month.”
#35: Ask why you are here
“I’m gonna be honest with you Jesus,” you say, “I didn’t think I would make it here.”
“What do you mean?” Jesus says. “You’re a good, kind, loving and caring person! You’ve never done anything that would warrant exclusion.”
“Oh wait for real? Score! I kind of thought writing that piece about Julien Baker might have banned me from heaven, judging by the response from a few people.”
“What do you mean? I loved that piece, you are so right. Why would anyone hate someone for who they love? I’m kinda all about loving people, it’s my thing. Love one another as I have loved you and all that.”
“That’s good to hear. It was getting pretty dicey down there, people were somehow becoming more hateful of people like Julien.”
“I know right?! God, sorry, Gosh. It is so frustrating. We should never have written the Old Testament, people take it too literally. Media literacy is dead, am I right?”
“Oh well, good thing the hateful people are excluded from heaven and the good people are let in! And thankfully you and I agree on who is good and bad.”
“It’s pretty simple! Just be kind and mind your own business.”
“Yeah! Hey good chat, let’s go hang out.”
You walk into heaven hand in hand with Jesus, thankful that your friends threw you in front of that truck. Amen.
#36: Reset
“Goo goo, gaa gaa,” you say. “Agoo goo goo gaa gaa. Wah wah wah wah. Bah.”
You reset. You are a baby. The end.
#37: Read even more Peanuts
Of course, you read more Peanuts. How could you stop? It is the greatest comic strip ever, nay, the greatest piece of art of all time. You continue reading as Linus enjoys Autumn, Lucy relentlessly bullies Charlie Brown, and Snoopy sits under the stars pondering the universe.
You are locked in. People come and go, the sun sets and rises on a new day, Snoopy and the gang remain. Weeks pass, or is it years? Who is to know? You read and read and read. The adventures never end.
Someone offers you water. You watch as their head morphs into a perfect circle, eyes shrink to two dots, and mouth a crumpled line. This isn’t a waiter, this is Charlie Brown! He is real! In the corner, Snoopy and Woodstock laugh and dance. You join them! It is a dream come true.
You spend the rest of your days with Charlie, Lucy, Linus, and Snoopy. You have made the right choice. Congratulations.
#38: Second draft continue writing
This needs a big old tidy-up. You write a second draft:
I’m struggling to find my identity as a writer.
My favourite writers are great at writing the words that they write. This is a silly sentence, I know. What I mean is that they are great in the niche that they have carved out for themselves. They know exactly how to write a killer essay, or a best-seller contemporary novel, or a mind-blowing story in just 5000 words. Of course, they write outside of their niche – but how did they find what they truly excel in?
I’d like to write a good poem or short story, but I don’t have the writing brain for those forms. I have this blog, sure, but is there really something here? Or am I destined to a life of sub-par blogging, while I slave away in a nine-to-five?
Woah there. I’m getting carried away. My identity as a writer shouldn’t be tied to success, right? Money + Success ≠ good writing.
I don’t write because I like the idea of finding success in it. I love the process, the excitement of finding the right word, and the joy of sharing with friends and family. This is something that will sit in the driver’s seat of my “seeking writing identity car” until the day I die, I say that earnestly. At the same time, I would like to find success, somehow, somewhere. That is okay. The thought can chill in the back seat. Who knows, one day it might join me up front.
The car currently drives pretty comfortably down Silly Blog Post Road. But I’ll give some other paths a go – Poetry Place? Short Story Street? A third one? It’ll either be a fun ride or a big crash, let’s see!
That’s it, you have written a much better draft. This captures the essence of what you wanted to say without blabbing too much. Amazing how much can change between drafts.
This is not something you can publish by itself. It doesn’t work on its own. It’ll need another go-over too, those last two paragraphs are a bit messy. Maybe one day you will integrate it into a more abstract piece? Who knows. For now, you are happy to have expressed yourself.
Okay Jame dot com 
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