Good God, I have been feeling sad recently.

I wrote that first line eleven months ago. I can’t remember what was making me sad. I know what is making me sad these days. I also know that I’m coping in much the same way. Today I lay on the couch and listened to five albums in a row. 

Someone often essential to my music mental health afternoons is Julien Baker. In late 2020 I was blessed by the YouTube algorithm Gods who sent me the song Appointments. I curiously clicked, and the first words I heard were,

I’m staying in tonight, 

That was me, hook, line and sinker. 

Quick Julien Baker introduction. Two months before the original Toy Story found its way to theatres in November 1995, Julien Baker appeared. Born and raised in the Baptist church, as well as Memphis, Tennessee. 

In 2015, Baker released Sprained Ankle on Bandcamp, simply wanting to share music with her friends. To cut this paraphrased Wikipedia article short, heaps of people listened to it. Baker followed up with 2017’s Turn Out the Lights, and 2021’s Little Oblivions – both stunning. 

I came to realise I had been recommended her music due to my obsession with Phoebe Bridgers in 2020, but I like to think there is someone out there who knew it was the music I needed. 

Julien’s music is honest. It is an honesty that is so real, it feels too formal to say “Baker did this” and not “Julien did this.” Her voice combines beautifully with melancholic melodies, often building to grand emotional endings. And well… These are nice adjectives, but I’d like to write about her words. 

See the opening line to my favourite song: Blacktop

Do you think that there’s a way I could ever get too far

That you’d ask me where I’d been

Like I ask you where you are?

My initial reaction to these words was something along the lines of “bwoah.”

The longing for faith. All too real. 

If I were in year eight and had to write a speech on faith, I’d probably start it a little like this: “Faith: complete trust or confidence in someone or something. Now, you’re probably wondering…” and so on. 

I’m the son of a preacher man. I grew up going to church and spent all thirteen years in Christian education. Icky. I know the Christmas and Easter stories really well. Chocolate tomb and all that. 

Towards the end of my high school years, entering university, something happened to me that happens to many young Christians: I started to drift. In my case it wasn’t because of an overbearing Christian preacher father (Darryl is lovely), nor was it a super negative experience in the church (our Kiwi Church community is lovely, I’m unbelievably lucky). What pushed me away from faith was the horrible Christians. Some of you may be reading this now. I see you. 

Anyway, I am not a christian anymore. 

Faith is something that I want, it is something I once felt, and it is something I will never experience the same way. Julien’s words above capture this perfectly. Faith is a two-way relationship, you need to be open. Every now and then I half-heartedly ask where God is. Who knows, they could be asking me the same thing. 

She continues with words about her experience as a lesbian in the church. 

So I wrote you love letters

And sung them in my house

And all around the South

The broken strings and amplifiers scream with holy noise

In hopes to draw you out

But if no one sings along in praise

Are you still proud when I open my mouth?

One of the reasons I wrote that first line eleven months ago is because there was debate around the banning of conversion therapy in Aotearoa – as if it was something that needed debating. I don’t want to linger on that time for too long. However, the ignorance I saw from some friends and “facebook friends” alike, through the simple “like” of a grossly misinformed Facebook post, was pretty crushing. I can not begin to imagine how it felt for those in the LGBTQ+ community. 

I love this verse, but it is also incredibly heartbreaking. 

She loves God. She wants to praise them. She sees fellow Christians disapproving. She wonders if God is proud of her. 

Faith is comfort. And that is a beautiful thing, I’ll admit it. Comfort in a familiar crowd you see each week. Comfort in dark moments. Comfort in death. It is impossible to deny the appeal of comfort. I mean, look at the world around us. 

Somewhere along the lines, a group of humans decided that there should be rules for this comfort. Not God. Humans. God told people to love thy neighbour as thyself. Humans decided that thyself was the only “thyself” there could be – failing to realise that it was God, not “thyself,” who made all unique, in her image, and perfect. 

I don’t know if I believe in God. But I know God loves the LGBTQ+ community with all his heart. Julien wanting to return this, to act in love, to have that comfort, is a beautiful thing. It was a group of humans who decided she does not deserve that. 

I’ve seen comments claiming they are showing love to those like Julien by telling them they are broken, because “we can’t let them live in sin.” It is in the bible after all!

Grow up, for the love of God. 

The men who wrote the Bible would be disgusted to see a woman in power, let alone two men kissing. The old testament is a bizarre collection of metaphors written by humans who have been dead for over two thousand years. Stop using it to justify your homophobia. 

I’m a little heated and off topic, sorry about that. One last comment though. 

Say around four percent of the population are a part of the LGBTQ+ community, a rather conservative estimate. Four percent of eight billion people. Give me a second here, carry the one, oh, interesting. 

Three hundred and twenty million people. That is seven zeros with a three and a two at the beginning. 

God doesn’t make mistakes.

As a straight white man, none of this is really my space to speak on. I’ll say that this far into the piece. But that doesn’t exclude me from showing my support. And it doesn’t exclude you either. You don’t have to dedicate your life to being an ally. I’m not going to do that. But, you and I can do the bare minimum. Be open and listen to people when they speak. Educate yourself (I had a lot to learn, and still do). Sign petitions when they pop up. Stand up when you see discrimination. It’s what Jesus would do. No doubt about it. 

This piece initially shifted further to rant about climate change, anti-vaxxers, and Russia, among the other awful things plaguing our beautiful planet. 

But I think Julien sums up my emotions fairly succinctly in the chorus of Ziptie, 

I’ve felt pretty hopeless recently. And good God, I have been feeling sad.

But, when I listen to Julien Baker’s music, I feel comfort. Not only that, but I feel connected to God. I spend every second of every day not thinking about God. Yet, I feel them when listening to songs like Rejoice. 

But I think there’s a God and He hears either way

When I rejoice

And complain

Lift my voice

That I was made…

Know my name

And all of my hideous mistakes

I rejoice

Do I believe Julien’s words? Not really. I don’t know. I’ll likely ponder it till the day I die. 

Do these words give me comfort? Yes, yes they do. Because who wouldn’t want faith? The comfort, the community, and the hope that it brings. Julien has this hope, despite those who turn from her. To say it is something I greatly admire would be a gross understatement. 

If there is a God out there, they not only love Julien Baker, but they also made her perfectly. If there is a heaven she will be there. And I am gonna do everything I can to make it there to chat music. 

Odds are I will be in hell with all of the lovely money hungry mega church ministers, but I can hope. 

I’m not sure what this piece is. It has ended rather abruptly. Thanks for reading. 

P.S. it’s not just the homophobia that made me stray away from Christianity, that is a piece for another day which I don’t plan on writing. The idea of heaven and hell is gross as hell. I’d also like to say that I’m not anti-Christian, I’m just anti-bully. As you know, there is an alarming overlap in these groups. And I can’t be a part of that anymore. 

P.P.S. I’m doing pretty well at the moment! You may read that with my sarcastic and nasally voice, but it is genuine.

P.P.P.S. Here are a few essentials to add to your playlist: 

• Blacktop
• Brittle Boned
• Good News
• Rejoice
• Vessels
• Appointments
• Everything to Help You Sleep
• Hurt Less
• Shadowboxing
• Televangelist
• Tokyo
• Hardline
• Favor
• Song in E
• Ziptie

May as well listen to all three albums, eh? 

Cover image shamelessly stolen from the big G up in the sky (google).